Chances are:
The fan will be blowing in my room.....
There are goldfish crackers in my couch.....
I am barefoot....indoors or out.....
There is some kind of baked goody in the kitchen (currently its banana bread AND chocolate cake!)......
My cell phone battery is low (again).....
The garbage is full (also again).....
Ther dogs want to go out.....
Stellan will be in my thoughts tonight.......
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The Good, The Great and the Stain
This last week has been filled with substancial highs and dropping lows. I have felt the rug being swept out from underneath me. Perhaps in my case it was more like tripping and sailing completely over the rug. But I have regained my footing and am looking for the damn thing that tripped me. This post has two bouts of good news and one smattering of bad. But I am afraid that the bad is such a bitter, dark bad that it stains my good.
I believe in starting with bad news so as to get it out of the way. My husband has been in and out of the emergancy room several times over the last month. He has had a constant pain in his side that no one can diagnose. We were afraid that it was a hernia, or appendicitious but the tests have all come back negitive. The next diagnosis is cancer. The doctors think it might be cancer. That is such a big word to wrap ones head around. So many ideas flash through my head. I will save the gory details of those visions for another post, because I am not allowing myself to go there. I cannot go there until I know that I have to. From here on out it shall be refered to as the stain. We hate stains, we fight them, and we get them out. My husband will be going in for test this week to determine what, where, and how we will proceed. I will keep you posted.
Well, have you caught your footing yet? Good, moving on to good news!
The great (!) news is that my sister had her baby yesterday. This is the baby that she was told would never be. To make a long story short my sister had major surgery when she was 18, leaving behind severely damaged female organs and a vast amount of scar tissue. She was told that becoming pregnant would be difficult if not impossible. Despite those odds baby Landon Michael was born yesterday by C-section. The miricle boy weighed in at 7 lbs. 4 oz, and while not as furry as Miss Bleu and Doo-Doo he has a healthy head of dark hair. And Blue eyes (where they came from who knows as mommy and daddy are dark eyed). I am OVERJOYED at my new nephew. This is the first baby that I will be able to snuggle and cuddle and give back to mom. I cannot wait for him to be old enough to play with my babies!
The second burst of good news is that the husband and I are doing MUCH better. We talk, we cuddle, we hold hands. Its as if the stain has brought us closer than ever. I believe that this has given us a new chance at our marriage and I will fight for us as long as it takes.
This has been a lot to take in this week, I know I was there. We are doing the best we can, figuring out how all of this will play out. The babies are visiting with their grandparents and new nephew, and I look forward to joining them in a couple of days when I am off work. Thank God for my parents taking them despite the new baby developments. The husband and I needed a few days to relax and breathe. Well I need to get back to playing with my blog. I hope evryone enjoys the changes. I am still ironing out a few kinks but I am happy with the way that we are heading!
I believe in starting with bad news so as to get it out of the way. My husband has been in and out of the emergancy room several times over the last month. He has had a constant pain in his side that no one can diagnose. We were afraid that it was a hernia, or appendicitious but the tests have all come back negitive. The next diagnosis is cancer. The doctors think it might be cancer. That is such a big word to wrap ones head around. So many ideas flash through my head. I will save the gory details of those visions for another post, because I am not allowing myself to go there. I cannot go there until I know that I have to. From here on out it shall be refered to as the stain. We hate stains, we fight them, and we get them out. My husband will be going in for test this week to determine what, where, and how we will proceed. I will keep you posted.
Well, have you caught your footing yet? Good, moving on to good news!
The great (!) news is that my sister had her baby yesterday. This is the baby that she was told would never be. To make a long story short my sister had major surgery when she was 18, leaving behind severely damaged female organs and a vast amount of scar tissue. She was told that becoming pregnant would be difficult if not impossible. Despite those odds baby Landon Michael was born yesterday by C-section. The miricle boy weighed in at 7 lbs. 4 oz, and while not as furry as Miss Bleu and Doo-Doo he has a healthy head of dark hair. And Blue eyes (where they came from who knows as mommy and daddy are dark eyed). I am OVERJOYED at my new nephew. This is the first baby that I will be able to snuggle and cuddle and give back to mom. I cannot wait for him to be old enough to play with my babies!
The second burst of good news is that the husband and I are doing MUCH better. We talk, we cuddle, we hold hands. Its as if the stain has brought us closer than ever. I believe that this has given us a new chance at our marriage and I will fight for us as long as it takes.
This has been a lot to take in this week, I know I was there. We are doing the best we can, figuring out how all of this will play out. The babies are visiting with their grandparents and new nephew, and I look forward to joining them in a couple of days when I am off work. Thank God for my parents taking them despite the new baby developments. The husband and I needed a few days to relax and breathe. Well I need to get back to playing with my blog. I hope evryone enjoys the changes. I am still ironing out a few kinks but I am happy with the way that we are heading!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Clearing things up
I should really make something clear: Believe it or not I absolutely, 100%, no-doubt-about-it love my husband. I have done alot of thinking and the last post that I did may make it seem more like I was walking out the door but it was a good venting session. I have no one to talk to most of the time so I turn to the key board.
He may be rude, blunt, and sometimes nasty. Some days he might bring me to tears. But after all the yelling is done I do love him. I cannot help it. We are together in marriage and committed to building this family and our lives and thats that.
He may be rude, blunt, and sometimes nasty. Some days he might bring me to tears. But after all the yelling is done I do love him. I cannot help it. We are together in marriage and committed to building this family and our lives and thats that.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
my darkness
So not too much to update on. I have been working too much to really have much of a life. I have decided that I would end that train-ride-to-hell, though. I put in my weeks notice tonight. I just cannot do this anymore. I feel like I have been lied to, and I actually WALKED in on my "trainer" (I use that term VERY lightly) talking bad about me and my husband- who she saw for all of 30 seconds. Plus she ditched me so that she could go to a party. I would have liked to have given two weeks but I have a hard time believing taht I will actually make it through one.
I do have another job(s) on the horizon. I have been "hired" at a local coffee shop that just opened that I am in love with. But sue to the fact that they just opened the have a lack of business, meaning a lack of available hours. But allegedly once that picks up the job is mine. We met for an interview the day after I had interviewed and accepted the job where I am now and I LOVED the place. Very funky, downtown feel. Plus they are talking about adding a line of snack/desserts so I am right up their alley. I cannot help but plot the list of goodness that I will SLOWLY spring on them so that they believe that this is their idea. Heeheehee.
Miss Blue has taken to mommy going to work better than expected. Dubs... not so much. He is being increasingly difficult and seeking out trouble so that he can have extra attention. I am not sure how to handle this. I recognize what he is doing and I am trying to give extra snuggles, and cuddles, but I am so tired when I get home its all that I can do to eat and go to bed. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and thank GOD it is finally coming into view.
Husband and I however I am not so sure of. I spent a little money yesterday , ($40.00) and since then he has not spoken to me. Except to tell me that I can pay my own car payment from here on out. The car that we agreed to buy when I was not working a year ago. One big enough for our family. It's like he was waiting to pull this and I take it. It seems like everytime that we start doing well, he pulls the asshole card and we are back to square one. What he forgets is that I am working now and making the same as him. I hate to pull this, but if he keeps yelling, bad mouthing, and treating me like shit one of these days I will not be here anymore. He will kill every last bit of love that I may have left. I can only forgive so many times. Someday, I will be happy again.....
But the quiet is nice especially since at this moment in time I have nothing to say to him. And I have already figured out what I plan on saying to him. I will simply tell him that he has lost the right to speak to me. I will not listen to him any more. And leave it at that. Maybe when he can grow up and treat me with the respect that I deserve then I will talk to him again. It sucks but I am so tired of it. Everyone says that it would be better if I left. Where the hell would I go? What would I do? What about the babies? There are too many what ifs right now. So I will work. And put away some money for when the love runs out......
I guess I had far more to say than I had expected. Venting reall. I had to share the great darkness that I carry. I will share more at another time.
I do have another job(s) on the horizon. I have been "hired" at a local coffee shop that just opened that I am in love with. But sue to the fact that they just opened the have a lack of business, meaning a lack of available hours. But allegedly once that picks up the job is mine. We met for an interview the day after I had interviewed and accepted the job where I am now and I LOVED the place. Very funky, downtown feel. Plus they are talking about adding a line of snack/desserts so I am right up their alley. I cannot help but plot the list of goodness that I will SLOWLY spring on them so that they believe that this is their idea. Heeheehee.
Miss Blue has taken to mommy going to work better than expected. Dubs... not so much. He is being increasingly difficult and seeking out trouble so that he can have extra attention. I am not sure how to handle this. I recognize what he is doing and I am trying to give extra snuggles, and cuddles, but I am so tired when I get home its all that I can do to eat and go to bed. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and thank GOD it is finally coming into view.
Husband and I however I am not so sure of. I spent a little money yesterday , ($40.00) and since then he has not spoken to me. Except to tell me that I can pay my own car payment from here on out. The car that we agreed to buy when I was not working a year ago. One big enough for our family. It's like he was waiting to pull this and I take it. It seems like everytime that we start doing well, he pulls the asshole card and we are back to square one. What he forgets is that I am working now and making the same as him. I hate to pull this, but if he keeps yelling, bad mouthing, and treating me like shit one of these days I will not be here anymore. He will kill every last bit of love that I may have left. I can only forgive so many times. Someday, I will be happy again.....
But the quiet is nice especially since at this moment in time I have nothing to say to him. And I have already figured out what I plan on saying to him. I will simply tell him that he has lost the right to speak to me. I will not listen to him any more. And leave it at that. Maybe when he can grow up and treat me with the respect that I deserve then I will talk to him again. It sucks but I am so tired of it. Everyone says that it would be better if I left. Where the hell would I go? What would I do? What about the babies? There are too many what ifs right now. So I will work. And put away some money for when the love runs out......
I guess I had far more to say than I had expected. Venting reall. I had to share the great darkness that I carry. I will share more at another time.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
My Paid Hell
Quite possibly today was worse than yesterday. I will start at the begining, as to show you the true expanse of my pain.
First as I was getting dressed to go to work, I remembered that I needed a tie. CRAP! I just threw away all of my husband's ties when we moved, because in the three plus years that we have been together I have never once seen him wear a tie. So what did I wind up wearing to my first day at work? My 6 year old nephew's clip on tie. Yes folks. It came to about my bra line. Thank God for the tacky burgandy apron that I wear covered it.
My car blew a hose yesterday on the way home from my first day at work. I pulled into the drive in a cloud of steam, jumped out of the car, positive that it was going up in flames. My ever helpful husband rolled his eyes and laughed at me once once we found the cause. Well, since we are FLAT broke until Friday when my husband gets paid (all because I made him buy me a chihuahua, which was actually my money- a story for another day) I had the brilliant idea to tape the hole until I could get it fixed (do you see where this is headed?). I made it about 2 miles down the road (barely off the bridge) and pulled over in another cloud of staeam (this time not screaming) and called my husband to save the day. Thank God (again) that I had the forethought to leave for work extra early just in case. He convinced my brother in law to baby sit and came and drove me to work (as he should have to begin with, but who am I to say I told you so) and I made it to work with 10 minutes to spare.
Now my day goes from bad to worse. I am ignored. Literally ignored, as in my trainer WALKED AROUND me for the first 15 minutes that I was there. (after she showed up 5 minutes late) She had to tell everyone that her pregnancy test was negitive. Umm all well and good but couldn't this wait? After she finally was TOLD rthat I was there, my job was then to be the bitch's bitch. (pardon my french, but that was on my nametag.....) I carried everything, did everything, and she sat there and filled everyone in on why she was sad that she was not knocked up by her boyfriend (not her husband, and she is not his wife- got the idea?) Also another fun timing thing. I get to make the garlic bread (side note they use the day old bread for this so always grab a loaf of fresh and ask for them to put garlic spread on it) at the START of my shift. That means I spend the entire day smelling of garlic butter. That is enough to turn anyone's tummy.
With that small in mind, I spent the rest of the day packaging cookies. Literally over 1000 cookies passed through my hands today. INSANITY! I had no clue that they would sell that many everyday!?! Seriously, its no wonder why America is overweight when you think of that fact. (plus when you figure in all the stores that this chain has times that number, plus all the other stores out there and their numbers.....) Seriously all of you need to go on the Adtkins diet and I will be out of this job! YEAH!
Capping off my day, I had to stay late so that I could sweep the floors and wash dishes. I went to culinary school, paid $30,000 and I am being paid minimum wage to sweep? OH HELL NO!
I have to figure out a way out of this. I cannot face doing this everyday. I am very grateful that I have a job, but even benefits are NOT worth this. I am seriously considering BEGGING for another job. ANYWHERE. Or perhaps a work pardon from my husband. I am scared to ask what I would have to do for that? T-bone on the table every night at 5? Foot and back rubs FOREVER? Worse?
I think that I could handle that.....
First as I was getting dressed to go to work, I remembered that I needed a tie. CRAP! I just threw away all of my husband's ties when we moved, because in the three plus years that we have been together I have never once seen him wear a tie. So what did I wind up wearing to my first day at work? My 6 year old nephew's clip on tie. Yes folks. It came to about my bra line. Thank God for the tacky burgandy apron that I wear covered it.
My car blew a hose yesterday on the way home from my first day at work. I pulled into the drive in a cloud of steam, jumped out of the car, positive that it was going up in flames. My ever helpful husband rolled his eyes and laughed at me once once we found the cause. Well, since we are FLAT broke until Friday when my husband gets paid (all because I made him buy me a chihuahua, which was actually my money- a story for another day) I had the brilliant idea to tape the hole until I could get it fixed (do you see where this is headed?). I made it about 2 miles down the road (barely off the bridge) and pulled over in another cloud of staeam (this time not screaming) and called my husband to save the day. Thank God (again) that I had the forethought to leave for work extra early just in case. He convinced my brother in law to baby sit and came and drove me to work (as he should have to begin with, but who am I to say I told you so) and I made it to work with 10 minutes to spare.
Now my day goes from bad to worse. I am ignored. Literally ignored, as in my trainer WALKED AROUND me for the first 15 minutes that I was there. (after she showed up 5 minutes late) She had to tell everyone that her pregnancy test was negitive. Umm all well and good but couldn't this wait? After she finally was TOLD rthat I was there, my job was then to be the bitch's bitch. (pardon my french, but that was on my nametag.....) I carried everything, did everything, and she sat there and filled everyone in on why she was sad that she was not knocked up by her boyfriend (not her husband, and she is not his wife- got the idea?) Also another fun timing thing. I get to make the garlic bread (side note they use the day old bread for this so always grab a loaf of fresh and ask for them to put garlic spread on it) at the START of my shift. That means I spend the entire day smelling of garlic butter. That is enough to turn anyone's tummy.
With that small in mind, I spent the rest of the day packaging cookies. Literally over 1000 cookies passed through my hands today. INSANITY! I had no clue that they would sell that many everyday!?! Seriously, its no wonder why America is overweight when you think of that fact. (plus when you figure in all the stores that this chain has times that number, plus all the other stores out there and their numbers.....) Seriously all of you need to go on the Adtkins diet and I will be out of this job! YEAH!
Capping off my day, I had to stay late so that I could sweep the floors and wash dishes. I went to culinary school, paid $30,000 and I am being paid minimum wage to sweep? OH HELL NO!
I have to figure out a way out of this. I cannot face doing this everyday. I am very grateful that I have a job, but even benefits are NOT worth this. I am seriously considering BEGGING for another job. ANYWHERE. Or perhaps a work pardon from my husband. I am scared to ask what I would have to do for that? T-bone on the table every night at 5? Foot and back rubs FOREVER? Worse?
I think that I could handle that.....
I don't want to go to work today
I recently went back to work, recently as in yesterday. I have been on a 3 year hiatus. otherwise known as "having babies". I was excited to go back to work. I missed people. I was tired of talking "toddler" all day. I wanted (needed) to make some money, for myself and to help my family. I needed this I would whine.
I hate it.
I said it. I 100% hated it. I miss my babies. I miss kissing their cheeks and dumping them in bed for a nap. I miss having the choice of whether to do laundry now or later. I miss taking them outside to play on the fort we built. I miss everything and everything that I hated weeks before.
I never thought that I would settle for the job that I am in. I am making minimum wage. MINIMUM WAGE! Doing something that I went to college to do. That I paid $30,000 to learn how to do. Actually I am not even doing that. I am the grunt worker in the business that I went to college to do. I sold out to coroprate and now need to cover my tattoos, wear my "casual living" uniform, and put on my cap. To slice bread. All day. And clean up after the people who do what I should do.
I won't name where I am working, to save myself and them some grief. But I am not happy there. I am actually very sad. And its only my second day.
I hate it.
I said it. I 100% hated it. I miss my babies. I miss kissing their cheeks and dumping them in bed for a nap. I miss having the choice of whether to do laundry now or later. I miss taking them outside to play on the fort we built. I miss everything and everything that I hated weeks before.
I never thought that I would settle for the job that I am in. I am making minimum wage. MINIMUM WAGE! Doing something that I went to college to do. That I paid $30,000 to learn how to do. Actually I am not even doing that. I am the grunt worker in the business that I went to college to do. I sold out to coroprate and now need to cover my tattoos, wear my "casual living" uniform, and put on my cap. To slice bread. All day. And clean up after the people who do what I should do.
I won't name where I am working, to save myself and them some grief. But I am not happy there. I am actually very sad. And its only my second day.
Monday, July 6, 2009
trying again
I have tried a few times in the last few weeks to update and have had some problems with it posting. Here is hoping that this one takes. If so I will update again in a few minutes
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